What I hope is different this time...
If you have followed this blog from the beginning, then you know a lot happened with my labor last time that did not go according to my plan (I laugh out loud now just typing those words). But the truth was, I had a very set idea of how I wanted my labor to go - vaginal, natural, "as nature intended" - and how it turned out was far from that ideal. To read more about that, go here: Two Labors and a Delivery and here: Two Labors and a Delivery...the emotions
I don't know if other people dream about how they will do it differently with the next pregnancy, but I have. Don't get me wrong...I loved being pregnant with Jenna. I felt strong, and alive, and a strong sense of the fact that I was a part of the cycle of life. I was a proud pregnant woman - I wore it with pride and respected it as the gift it was. This time is no different.
But my thoughts for this post really center around my labor and delivery. What spurred me to even think about this was looking at a few pictures of other friends - mostly on their blogs - after delivery, looking cute and put together with their sweet little babies. That wasn't possible for me. I was 25 hours without food, water or sleep. I was on an operating table with vomit in my hair. I desperately want that to be different next time. It sounds so superficial, but I want that cute post-delivery family picture. I also want the opportunity to experience a natural childbirth. Fortunately for me, my OB/GYN is supportive of me trying a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), so all hope is not lost.
Lastly, when I dream of how I want it to be different, I think about breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was another thing I desperately wanted to be able to do. I tried. I fed, and pumped (home and industrial pumps), and did green smoothies and Fenugreek. I even tried Reglan (and cried my eyes out the whole time after reading all of the possible side effects). Nothing worked. I was so exhausted after 7 weeks of spending 1 hour and 45 minutes of every 2 hour period on this cycle (attempt to breast feed, feed bottle after failed attempt, then attempt to pump) that I just couldn't do it one more minute. I was crazy as hell, too. I really want that to be different, too. Wait - I understand I'll be crazy, no matter what, since that is the nature of maternity leave, what I meant was I was the breastfeeding to be different.
If it all goes to pot and I have another C-section and the baby doesn't latch...what will be different this time? I know I have an amazing, articulate, bright child who survived a C-section, not latching and being fed formula. One of the hardest things to accept last time was that my grief was related to my expectations - that I am the one who set myself up for the heartache that I outlined in the posts I linked above. I didn't allow myself to believe that there was any other option. Neither did JP. We both cried when, after everything, we had to throw in the towel and have the C-section. It was our worst case scenario. But we survived it.
**I have to add the statement here that this was our worst case scenario in terms of our expectations of how the labor, delivery and breastfeeding would go. Obviously there are much, much worse scenarios that could have happened overall, but that was not what I meant by the last statement of the paragraph above.
We survived. Jenna was perfectly healthy. We have the understanding now that all of our expectations can be smashed and we can still have a wonderful outcome. I do not believe that Jenna was negatively impacted by formula, that I have any bonding issues with her as a result of not breastfeeding and she certainly has no developmental issues. As a result, what is different this time is that we can go into this situation with an ideal in mind, understanding that all will be okay even if it doesn't happen the way we want.
I feel the desire to say one more thing. The other day I had a friend ask if I had considered getting a midwife and giving birth at a birthing center. I almost did this with my last pregnancy. I can't express how grateful I am that I did not follow through with it, and stuck with my hospital delivery and my OB/GYN. The truth is that my experience last time would have been the outcome either way. I had scar tissue from previous complications that kept my cervix from being able to open properly. Everything that could have humanly been done was done to attempt to overcome this and none of it fully did the trick. There was also no shortage of prayer. Truth was that - hospital or birthing center/doctor or midwife - my cervix wasn't moving past 9.5cm and having a C-section was needed to keep Jenna stabilized. As a result, I will stick with my OB/GYN and the hospital birth again this time. Why? Although my doctor is supportive of trying a VBAC, there is always a chance that my cervix will not cooperate. I may shoot to 9.5cm and stay there for hours, and all human efforts to massage it to 10cm will fail. I also stand a chance of rupturing my old C-section scar. In both cases, I prefer the medical staff and a hospital environment. I think it's the right choice for my health and the health of my baby in this situation. I know what rigid idealism gets me, so I want to be as realistic about all of the possible outcomes this time.
At the end of the day, I pray for a healthy baby girl. How we get there is a part of the journey that will fade with time, just as the grief of my last labor and delivery have. Just like anything else in life, you think you'll remember that moment just like you do any other moment. Like anything in life, those moments are replaced by new moments that you think you will never forget. Until you sit down and read about one of the most painfully raw times in your life and you don't connect with it as you did then. I thought then I would be sad about my delivery forever. I carry no sadness today. Only joy, at having participated in the miracle of life. I celebrate it everyday with Jenna, and I intend to do the same with the new baby, too.
I hope that have that damn picture to remember it by, too.
I don't know if other people dream about how they will do it differently with the next pregnancy, but I have. Don't get me wrong...I loved being pregnant with Jenna. I felt strong, and alive, and a strong sense of the fact that I was a part of the cycle of life. I was a proud pregnant woman - I wore it with pride and respected it as the gift it was. This time is no different.
But my thoughts for this post really center around my labor and delivery. What spurred me to even think about this was looking at a few pictures of other friends - mostly on their blogs - after delivery, looking cute and put together with their sweet little babies. That wasn't possible for me. I was 25 hours without food, water or sleep. I was on an operating table with vomit in my hair. I desperately want that to be different next time. It sounds so superficial, but I want that cute post-delivery family picture. I also want the opportunity to experience a natural childbirth. Fortunately for me, my OB/GYN is supportive of me trying a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), so all hope is not lost.
Lastly, when I dream of how I want it to be different, I think about breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was another thing I desperately wanted to be able to do. I tried. I fed, and pumped (home and industrial pumps), and did green smoothies and Fenugreek. I even tried Reglan (and cried my eyes out the whole time after reading all of the possible side effects). Nothing worked. I was so exhausted after 7 weeks of spending 1 hour and 45 minutes of every 2 hour period on this cycle (attempt to breast feed, feed bottle after failed attempt, then attempt to pump) that I just couldn't do it one more minute. I was crazy as hell, too. I really want that to be different, too. Wait - I understand I'll be crazy, no matter what, since that is the nature of maternity leave, what I meant was I was the breastfeeding to be different.
If it all goes to pot and I have another C-section and the baby doesn't latch...what will be different this time? I know I have an amazing, articulate, bright child who survived a C-section, not latching and being fed formula. One of the hardest things to accept last time was that my grief was related to my expectations - that I am the one who set myself up for the heartache that I outlined in the posts I linked above. I didn't allow myself to believe that there was any other option. Neither did JP. We both cried when, after everything, we had to throw in the towel and have the C-section. It was our worst case scenario. But we survived it.
**I have to add the statement here that this was our worst case scenario in terms of our expectations of how the labor, delivery and breastfeeding would go. Obviously there are much, much worse scenarios that could have happened overall, but that was not what I meant by the last statement of the paragraph above.
We survived. Jenna was perfectly healthy. We have the understanding now that all of our expectations can be smashed and we can still have a wonderful outcome. I do not believe that Jenna was negatively impacted by formula, that I have any bonding issues with her as a result of not breastfeeding and she certainly has no developmental issues. As a result, what is different this time is that we can go into this situation with an ideal in mind, understanding that all will be okay even if it doesn't happen the way we want.
I feel the desire to say one more thing. The other day I had a friend ask if I had considered getting a midwife and giving birth at a birthing center. I almost did this with my last pregnancy. I can't express how grateful I am that I did not follow through with it, and stuck with my hospital delivery and my OB/GYN. The truth is that my experience last time would have been the outcome either way. I had scar tissue from previous complications that kept my cervix from being able to open properly. Everything that could have humanly been done was done to attempt to overcome this and none of it fully did the trick. There was also no shortage of prayer. Truth was that - hospital or birthing center/doctor or midwife - my cervix wasn't moving past 9.5cm and having a C-section was needed to keep Jenna stabilized. As a result, I will stick with my OB/GYN and the hospital birth again this time. Why? Although my doctor is supportive of trying a VBAC, there is always a chance that my cervix will not cooperate. I may shoot to 9.5cm and stay there for hours, and all human efforts to massage it to 10cm will fail. I also stand a chance of rupturing my old C-section scar. In both cases, I prefer the medical staff and a hospital environment. I think it's the right choice for my health and the health of my baby in this situation. I know what rigid idealism gets me, so I want to be as realistic about all of the possible outcomes this time.
At the end of the day, I pray for a healthy baby girl. How we get there is a part of the journey that will fade with time, just as the grief of my last labor and delivery have. Just like anything else in life, you think you'll remember that moment just like you do any other moment. Like anything in life, those moments are replaced by new moments that you think you will never forget. Until you sit down and read about one of the most painfully raw times in your life and you don't connect with it as you did then. I thought then I would be sad about my delivery forever. I carry no sadness today. Only joy, at having participated in the miracle of life. I celebrate it everyday with Jenna, and I intend to do the same with the new baby, too.
I hope that have that damn picture to remember it by, too.
Comments
Post a Comment