The Word That Can Change Everything
"Yes matters to me on a deep level - saying a broad and brave yes to this beautiful world, to love and challenge, and hard laughing and dancing and trying and failing. Yes is totally my jam.
But you can't have yes without no. Another way to say it: if you're not careful with your yeses, you start to say no to some very important things without even realizing it. In my rampant yes-yes-yes-ing, I said no, without intending to, to rest, to peace, to groundedness, to listening, to deep and slow connection, built over years instead of moments.
All my yeses brought me to a shallow way of living - an exhausting, frantic lifestyle that actually ended up having little resemblance to that deep, brave yes I was searching for.
And so if you, like me, have said too many yeses, and found that all that hopeful, exciting, wide-open intention has actually left you scraped raw and empty, the word that can change everything is no."
-Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
I was lying in the bath, taking a moment to be still and relax. I opened the book and read a handful of paragraphs before this hit me. Like a punch to my soul. So much I exited the tub and promptly fell asleep on the couch and proceeded to sleep for the next 11.5 hours.
I know the power of the word no. In early recovery, I had a therapist who challenged me to say no three times in the week between our sessions. At least one had to be something difficult to say no to, and one had to come with no further explanation. I was riddled with anxiety to even imagine doing so, but over the course of the week I did it, and processed it back in the safety of his office the next week. That was the first time I realized I am a people-pleaser. Once you see that truth, you cannot unsee it. No became a working part of my life from that point on...even going so far as to saying no to too many things...and having to learn a bit of balance with it.
This is an important statement because the no she is referencing here is a different animal than a co-dependent no. I don't even like the word co-dependent but is the simplest illustration of what I mean.
After awakening from the long slumber or, the period of recovery from the punch to my soul, I reread this again, and again, and again. The part that jumped out at me again and again:
"Yes matters to me on a deep level - saying a broad and brave yes to this beautiful world, to love and challenge, and hard laughing and dancing and trying and failing. Yes is totally my jam."
Or, more specifically:
"...saying a broad and brave yes to this beautiful world, to love and challenge, and hard laughing and dancing and trying and failing..."
You see, if she had been referencing the run of the mill codependent yes, it would not have been a punch to my soul. It would have been the same thing we see everywhere these days.
This message carried a deeper truth, one that I was longing to see without knowing it. This book was given to me a number of months ago, and has been sitting on my nightstand unopened since. I was meant to read this exactly when I did.
I understand autonomy, natural consequences, sitting in space with people and allowing them to work out their ish. I understanding timing and commonly ask people, "whose truth?" when they are trying to convince me they know the answer for someone else's life circumstance. Not to say I don't fall prey to doing those things myself at times, sometimes even hard, but I have awareness in this area. Hell, I coach people through developing skills in this area.
But the brave yes? The yes to this beautiful world? Yes to love? To challenge? Hard laughing and dancing? Trying and falling? Check, check, check, check and check. I would even go so far as to say hell yes to these. Who doesn't?
But at whose expense?
This past fall I hit a wall. Hard. That term she used, "scraped raw and empty," was a perfect description for how I still feel some of the time. I have said no to many things since then. But I have continued to say yes to some seemingly innocent and brave things. Things that will continue to scrape me raw and empty - because of the no they would carry on the other side of the coin.
That punch to my soul was the wake up call I needed, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. God has spent the last 3 months showing me how versatile and amazing my gifts are. And in the course of four short paragraphs, God asked me to lay them all down.
"Richard Rohr says the skills that take your through the first half of your life are entirely unhelpful for the second half. To press the point a bit: those skills I developed that supposedly served me well for the first half, as I inspect them a little more closely, didn't actually serve me at all. They made me responsible and capable and really, really tired. They made me productive and practical, and inch by inch, year by year, they moved me further and further from the warm, whimsical person I used to me...and I missed her."
This week has been a sequence of brave and resounding no's. And, consequently, I have said yes to some pretty amazing things. So far...to presence, to mindfulness, to peace, to rest, to actions that are grounding me...to my husband, my girls...and to God. In the end, no matter how I dress it up along the way, this is a matter of the spirit.
I've been created anew in my life a number of times. The results are always amazing and miraculous. I trust the call.
As a result, I am saying no to knowing, and yes to trusting. And in this moment I can breathe again.
And so if you, like me, have said too many yeses, and found that all that hopeful, exciting, wide-open intention has actually left you scraped raw and empty, the word that can change everything is no."
-Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
I was lying in the bath, taking a moment to be still and relax. I opened the book and read a handful of paragraphs before this hit me. Like a punch to my soul. So much I exited the tub and promptly fell asleep on the couch and proceeded to sleep for the next 11.5 hours.
I know the power of the word no. In early recovery, I had a therapist who challenged me to say no three times in the week between our sessions. At least one had to be something difficult to say no to, and one had to come with no further explanation. I was riddled with anxiety to even imagine doing so, but over the course of the week I did it, and processed it back in the safety of his office the next week. That was the first time I realized I am a people-pleaser. Once you see that truth, you cannot unsee it. No became a working part of my life from that point on...even going so far as to saying no to too many things...and having to learn a bit of balance with it.
This is an important statement because the no she is referencing here is a different animal than a co-dependent no. I don't even like the word co-dependent but is the simplest illustration of what I mean.
After awakening from the long slumber or, the period of recovery from the punch to my soul, I reread this again, and again, and again. The part that jumped out at me again and again:
"Yes matters to me on a deep level - saying a broad and brave yes to this beautiful world, to love and challenge, and hard laughing and dancing and trying and failing. Yes is totally my jam."
Or, more specifically:
"...saying a broad and brave yes to this beautiful world, to love and challenge, and hard laughing and dancing and trying and failing..."
You see, if she had been referencing the run of the mill codependent yes, it would not have been a punch to my soul. It would have been the same thing we see everywhere these days.
This message carried a deeper truth, one that I was longing to see without knowing it. This book was given to me a number of months ago, and has been sitting on my nightstand unopened since. I was meant to read this exactly when I did.
I understand autonomy, natural consequences, sitting in space with people and allowing them to work out their ish. I understanding timing and commonly ask people, "whose truth?" when they are trying to convince me they know the answer for someone else's life circumstance. Not to say I don't fall prey to doing those things myself at times, sometimes even hard, but I have awareness in this area. Hell, I coach people through developing skills in this area.
But the brave yes? The yes to this beautiful world? Yes to love? To challenge? Hard laughing and dancing? Trying and falling? Check, check, check, check and check. I would even go so far as to say hell yes to these. Who doesn't?
But at whose expense?
This past fall I hit a wall. Hard. That term she used, "scraped raw and empty," was a perfect description for how I still feel some of the time. I have said no to many things since then. But I have continued to say yes to some seemingly innocent and brave things. Things that will continue to scrape me raw and empty - because of the no they would carry on the other side of the coin.
That punch to my soul was the wake up call I needed, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. God has spent the last 3 months showing me how versatile and amazing my gifts are. And in the course of four short paragraphs, God asked me to lay them all down.
"Richard Rohr says the skills that take your through the first half of your life are entirely unhelpful for the second half. To press the point a bit: those skills I developed that supposedly served me well for the first half, as I inspect them a little more closely, didn't actually serve me at all. They made me responsible and capable and really, really tired. They made me productive and practical, and inch by inch, year by year, they moved me further and further from the warm, whimsical person I used to me...and I missed her."
This week has been a sequence of brave and resounding no's. And, consequently, I have said yes to some pretty amazing things. So far...to presence, to mindfulness, to peace, to rest, to actions that are grounding me...to my husband, my girls...and to God. In the end, no matter how I dress it up along the way, this is a matter of the spirit.
I've been created anew in my life a number of times. The results are always amazing and miraculous. I trust the call.
As a result, I am saying no to knowing, and yes to trusting. And in this moment I can breathe again.
That yes, will I trust bring you more peace and serenity than all of the nos ever could. When I FINALLY said, Yes, I will take the risk of trusting that the God, I don´t understand, but do trust, LOVES me absolutely and wants good things for me, my life changed radically. I have a feeling of self-worth and a serenity that I didn´t know were possible.
ReplyDeleteThe beautiful trade...internal (self-worth, serenity) vs. external. :) At first I was shocked that it took all it did for me to stop, which still was beyond my doing. I more or less completely fell out. But that serves a purpose, too. It is the very thing needed. I'm encouraged and excited.
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